


Hold Me (When I Find You)

by Samsamiam



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:48:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27975398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Samsamiam/pseuds/Samsamiam
Summary: “William.” Caleb’s voice stops Willie dead in his tracks the minute he steps back into the Hollywood Ghost Club. “Where have you been?”“Just out skating,” Willie says, shoulders curling in towards him.Caleb makes a tsking sound. “Now, now, William I really thought you would know better than that,” Caleb says, stalking towards him....AKA what if Caleb used touch starvation as a form of punishment for Willie, a canonically physically affectionate person
Relationships: Alex/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Caleb Covington & Willie
Comments: 12
Kudos: 224





	Hold Me (When I Find You)

**Author's Note:**

> TW: for emotional abuse, gaslighting, panic attacks, and allusions to physical abuse

TW: for emotional abuse, gaslighting, panic attacks, and allusions to physical abuse

“William.” Caleb’s voice stops Willie dead in his tracks the minute he steps back into the Hollywood Ghost Club. “Where have you been?”

“Just out skating,” Willie says, shoulders curling in towards him.

Caleb makes a tsking sound. “Now, now, William I really thought you would know better than that,” Caleb says, stalking towards him.

Willie shrinks back, “Kno-know better than what?”

“I’m going to give you one last chance to tell me where you were and maybe I won’t be upset,” Caleb says.

Willie knows confessing is his best bet but he can’t tell Caleb everything so he goes for a half truth. “I went to say goodbye to Alex,” He mumbles, avoiding eye contact.

Caleb swings his arm back like he’s going to smack Willie. Willie cries out, drops his skate board, and brings his arms up to block it.

“Oh William,” Caleb says, stroking his cheek gently, “You know I would never hit you right?”

“Yeah,” Willie says, still not looking at him, “Of course.”

“I do of course know you’re still lying to me,” Caleb says, dropping his hand and stepping back.

The abrupt loss of contact makes Willie sway forward. “What?” He says panicked, “I’m not… why would I lie… I didn’t…”

Caleb puts a hand up to silence him. “The bus William,” He snaps.

“Oh,” Willie says, collapsing in on himself.

“Yeah,” Caleb snaps, waving his hand and suddenly they’re in a dark room.

“No,” Willie cries out. “Please no Caleb I’m sorry.” He stumbles towards where Caleb stands in the doorway.

“William we both know my club is built on trust so if you are going to lie to me, I think we can both agree you need to spend some time away. It’s for your own good,” Caleb says and swings the door shut before Willie can respond, leaving him in complete darkness.

“Please,” Willie sobs, “Caleb I’m sorry. Please, please, let me out. I promise I’ll never lie to you again.” He tries to stumble towards where he remembers the wall’s being but he can’t find them. It’s like he’s in an empty abyss with no end only suffocating inky black darkness.

***

Willie doesn’t know how long he’s in there when one of the wall’s light up, he just knows his eyes hurt from crying and his throat is raw from screaming. He recognizes it’s one of the camera’s Caleb has around the club, the one’s Willie helped him set up. When he realizes what he’s being shown he knows everything’s been in vain. Caleb won. He got the boys. Caleb always wins.

He thinks Caleb’s intention is for him to watch him break them, they’re clearly still getting hurt, but halfway through they start to flicker. Alex is the first to disappear and Willie’s seen what Caleb’s stamp does to people, that’s not what it looks like. When Reggie disappears, he realizes it doesn’t look like when people pass over either. Luke takes the longest to disappear but he’s what makes Willie realize they’re returning to Julie because a cocky grin crosses Luke’s face as he flickers and he says something that clearly shakes Caleb as he completely disappears from the club.

When the screen shuts off and Willie is left in the dark, he tells himself it was worth it because at least they’ll be free of Caleb, free to pass over.  ~~ If he focuses on their freedom maybe he’ll forget that he’ll never have his own, forget that he’s stuck in this dark room at Caleb’s mercy. ~~

***

The door swing’s open and Willie squints in the harsh light. “Come,” Caleb snaps and turns leaving no room for argument so Willie follows him.

“Sit,” Caleb says, waving his hand so a chair pushes into the back of Willie’s knees. “Ernesto.” He says and Ernesto turns on the screen.

Willie doesn’t know what he’s expecting but it isn’t Julie playing the Orpheum. He glances at Caleb confused but Caleb is staring at the screen unflinchingly. After a few moments he turns back to watch. He sees the boys appear in the order he watched them flicker out. He watches them all break free of Caleb’s hold on them and Willie’s so proud of them.

It’s an amazing performance, he always assumed they were good because they got big so fast but hearing them play is something else. When Alex stands to sing Willie can’t stop the smile that crosses his face.

When the song ends and the boys bow, he realizes why they’re watching.

“Tell me William,” Caleb says, turning back to him as the video goes to the replay screen, “Does that look like crossing over to you?”

Willie looks down as it sinks in. The Orpheum wasn’t their unfinished business.

“I asked you a question William,” Caleb asks.

“No,” he whisperers.

“That was two days ago,” Caleb says and Willie’s head snaps up, “They have not returned to the club.”

Willie stares at him in shocked silence.

“This is on you William,” Caleb says. “Go help Ernesto set up for tonight’s show.” He turns and walks away without another word. He’s so caught up in his own head he doesn’t realize until the end that everyone had avoided even brushing against him.

***

Willie hadn’t been allowed to leave the club since Caleb let him out of the room weeks ago, hasn’t even tried, and Willie was so bored. He knows that that isn’t the biggest of his worries  The guilt was eating him alive, a ~~lex was gone and it was his fault,~~ but he hates how the boredom drains him, hates that when his brain doesn’t enjoy something it just wants to shut down and sleep, something he can’t do as a ghost. He was always just exhausted and no one would touch him.  ~~ Alex would have. Alex’s hand in his. Alex’s arms around him. Alex’s hands gripping his shirt like he  _ mattered _ . ~~ He’s used to the boredom making him tired but he forgot how draining, how cold, not being touched was. He hadn’t been touched, not even accidentally, since he left the room. He knows it’s intentional,  ~~knows it’s because he doesn’t deserve it~~ , but he just wishes someone would slip up just once,  he’s so cold. ~~He misses Alex. Alex was always so warm, like a mini sun.~~

***

It’s days later when Caleb brushes his shoulder on Willie’s as he goes past. Willie spasms and lets out a shaky breath, caught off guard.

“Something wrong William?” Caleb asks, turning back.

“No,” Willie says, putting his head down and stepping back, “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Good. You know I worry about you, right?” Caleb says.

“Of course, sir,” Willie says, not looking up.

“You just make everything so hard for yourself,” Caleb says, “Maybe if you tried a little harder things would be easier.”

“I’ll try,” Willie mumbles.

“Good boy,” Caleb says, patting his shoulder and Willie almost bursts into tears.

“Thank you,” Willie murmurs, his whole-body trembling.

Caleb steps closer and for one moment Willie thinks he’s going to touch him again but all he does is say, “See you later William.” And step past him, this time without touching Willie and somehow that is so much worse.

***

Caleb seems all powerful but his performers, they are fallible. They don’t always hear Willie, see him coming, stop talking in time. They’re how he finds out that Alex is alive. That’s how he decides he’s going to leave. Because he would do anything for Alex. Alex, who says he would have followed Willie if he skated away. Alex, who doesn’t blame Willie for bringing them to Caleb. Alex who, despite everything, held onto him like he meant everything. Alex who he’s going home too.

***

Willie waits until Caleb leaves and slips out. He isn’t stopped and Willie realizes how much Caleb underestimates him. He expected Willie to stay  ~~ like a dog ~~ and didn’t even have anyone watching to stop him.

Willie goes to check Julie’s first but hesitates outside the door. What if Alex doesn’t want to see him? What if Alex has had time to process what Willie did and hates him? Willie would risk anything for Alex, to make up for what he did to Alex, but what if that’s not enough?

His thoughts are brought to a screeching halt when a voice behind him says, “Willie?”

He whips around and halfway down the steps in front of the garage door is Alex. Amazing, perfect, beautiful Alex, okay and not crossed over or poofed out of existence Alex, and Willie doesn’t know what to do with himself. It feels like the wind has been knocked from his lungs.

He doesn’t have to do anything though because before he can respond Alex is running towards him and Willie takes a step back on instinct. But when Alex collides with him, he wraps his arms around him and it surprises Willie so much he stumbles backwards and pulls them through the garage doors. Alex’s stops them from hitting the ground, Willie doesn’t know how, he just knows that he definitely didn’t do it.

“Are you okay?” Alex asks, pulling back to look at him. A pitiful sob rips its way out of his throat at the loss of contact. Willie hates himself for it because Alex didn’t even go that far, his hands are still cupping Willie’s face so how pathetic is Willie for that?

Alex’s smile falls and he asks, “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

“No…” Willie is sobbing and gasping for air and he doesn’t know how to tell Alex to stop or never stop or please… he can’t breathe… what’s happening? He needs… he wants… he…

“He’s having a panic attack,” One of the other boys, Reggie he thinks, says.

“I know Reggie,” Alex snaps but he doesn’t sound mad, just stressed.

“Okay,” The voice, definitely Reggie, says this time, “You do well with mine you got this just don’t panic yourself.”

A door opens and a girl’s voice, probably Julie he vaguely remembers her being outside with Alex when this all started, asks, “What’s going on?” This was definitely not how he planned to meet her.

“Willie, you can’t see him, is here. We should give them space,” Reggie says.

Willie’s whole body is buzzing and he feels like he’s floating in a sea of TV static. But then suddenly Alex is back in front of him. “Hey,” he says softly. “I know it’s scary but the human body can only maintain a panic attack for 30 minutes.”

“What?” Willie gasps out and he realizes at some point he was sat down on the couch.

“Have you ever had a panic attack before?” Alex asks. And yeah if that’s what this is then he’s had them before but it’s nice to have a word for it. He doesn’t have the words for that so he just nods.

“Okay what can I do to help calm your breathing? Just do your best to tell me,” He says, his voice is so kind Willie doesn’t think anyone’s ever been this kind to him. He realizes he has no clue what helps he’s never had anyone care enough to help before.

“I… I don’t…” He gasps, “I don’t know… I never…”

“Okay,” Alex says, gently, “Let’s just start somewhere. Can I touch you?”

Willie nods and Alex lifts his hands to his chest. “Can you try to breathe with me?” he asks, taking a deep breath. Willie tries, he really does he promises he wants to do what Alex asks, but he can’t get his breathing to calm down and that only freaks him out more.

“Hey, hey,” Alex says, “It’s okay if you can’t. Can I try something else? I’m going to touch you more but if at any point it’s too much and you can’t say anything just squeeze my hand and I’ll stop.”

Willie nods again and Alex pulls him fully into his chest and rests his head on Alex’s chest. Willie swears that he can hear a heartbeat even though he knows that’s impossible, although he supposes he isn’t supposed to be able to breathe either. Alex keeps deep steady breathes and eventually Willie feels his begin to match.

As he slowly starts to calm down, he realizes Alex is now softly whispering to him and running his fingers through Willie’s hair. “Good job. You’re doing so good. It’s going to be okay. I got you.”

Once his breathing comes back to normal Alex leans back a little but reaches up to cup Willie’s face with one hand. “Hey.”

“God Alex I’m so…” Willie starts.

“Please don’t apologize,” Alex says, gently rubbing his thumb over Willie’s cheek. Willie can feel every point they make contact and he feels on fire.

“I know but still.” Which is not an explanation.

“What happened?” Alex says.

“I was just so worried and you’re okay and it’s been so long since any one… and I’m just so glad you’re okay,” Willie says, pushing their foreheads together.

“All thanks to you,” Alex say softly.

Willie’s eyes scrunch close and he shakes his head. “No,” he says, “this is all my fault.” his voice cracks.

“Willie no we’ve been over this…”

“No but I’m why Caleb found out and I couldn’t stop him.” Willie mumbles.

“What?” Alex asks, softly, and he doesn’t even sound mad.

“When I got to the club Caleb knew about the bus and he put me in the room and I couldn’t stop him and I’ve been so lonely and I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop him,” Willie sobs, breathing picking back up.

“Hey,” Alex says, “Hey it’s okay. Don’t panic. You did your best. I’m so proud of and grateful for you. I’m so sorry we left you with him for so long.”

Willie lets out a sob but he’s also smiling and Alex is holding him and nothing is okay but maybe everything is. Willie doesn’t know what the future holds but in this moment he’s okay and Alex is okay and maybe they can have one moment to just be okay.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Let me know your thoughts! I have ideas and the beginnings of a sequel if anyone would want that. Thank you all for reading! Comments and Kudos are appreciated


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